WHAT TO DO NOW?

Happy 2015 readers!

Whenever the New Year is born, I am tempted to hear this word “resolution” from people’s lips. They may be small, they may be big, they may be comical, they may be logical, and they may be achievable and non-achievable.

Nonetheless, most of the people have something in their minds to achieve in the new years. Here after, I will reduce my weight, I will sleep a little, I will give up smoking, I will stop drinking, I will propose her, I will get a job, I will build a house, I will study well and so on. Whether they follow or not are a hypothetical question and the answers are not very hard to fathom. This has become the problem for me now. In fact, I have nothing of the sort. But what to do? Something forces me to do something. To be frank, this year is certainly going to be crucial for me I think. Whenever I wanted to become somebody, my life and the circumstances always had some ready-made options for me. When I was in my eighth standard, I wanted to become a lawyer. After getting into the field of music, in my tenth standard, my goal was to become a music director. Fortunately, it sustained three years. Everyone called me music director especially my class teacher while taking attendance. When I was about to come out of the school, I was told that becoming a music director is not as easy as I think. I also understood the reality and thought of my safety. As many visually challenged do, let me also become a teacher and later will surely concentrate on music I thought. As a result, I gave a break to my music career. But it was till my under graduate final year. When I was about to finish B.A. English literature, something has struck and asked me. “Was it your aim to become a school teacher? Real aim?” again a pause… I was abducted by some extrinsic motivations. As a result, from then on, I wanted to become a lecturer. I was indeed gratified with my decision of becoming a lecturer and clearly realized that becoming a school teacher had never been my aim. My mind always forced to do something differently. Somehow, with god’s grace, I completed my masters. Again a pause… Becoming a lecturer will take time. I didn’t want school teaching what so ever. Now I am 23 years young and this year I will be 24. I should not be jobless when I am 25. 25 is the age for my job which I already fixed in my mind. If I had aimed to become a teacher, I would have been in the job already. No problem. Currently I am doing my M.Phil. It will continue till August. After that? Clearing national eligibility test (NET) is not a tough one. The continuous effort for three months will be sufficient for that. I heard many visually challenged students are still waiting for job after clearing that national eligibility test (NET.) One of my visually challenged friends named Sathish said. Clearing NET is not going to be useful for us. Private colleges want people with vision and NET and not a visually challenged. He cleared it three years ago. I have only eight months from now on. I can proceed to PHD after that. But somewhere from somebody the question will come and hit my ears ‘Still studying?’ which I don’t want. In fact, PHd wasn’t my aim at all. To avoid this threat, I’ve applied for many bank exams and completed. Twice I missed the opportunities by falling short of three and four marks. However, hoping for the best after writing the last exam. My scribe Ms Nandini is also anxiously waiting for my results. Bank job, I don’t know, whether will give me the satisfaction or not. But certainly give me the security. In the mean time, some years ago, my father asked me to become an Indian administrative officer (IAS) which I am never going to fulfill. Apart from that, he is very calm and cool about my career and always saying yes to my all decisions. He wants me to be settled and that’s it. However, I am happy with one thing that is my shoulders are free so far. My family doesn’t need to rely on me and my elder brother takes care of everything. No sister after and before me and no lady love to give promises, to show my responsibility, to disturb and to be disturbed. But it’s all coming to an end I deem. The responsibility is slowly falling on my shoulders. I mean the responsibility towards my family. My brother has to get married this year. I have only eight months to complete my master of philosophy. From then on, my family may expect something from me. I have to contribute even if they don’t. First time the fear forms inside. First time my mind demands me a resolution. Earning is more significant than a job. Family is more important than aims and goals. Banking job is the only solution. The anticipation builds up. The anxiety occupies. What will happen in case if I fail? What will happen to my hopes? Amidst all, my subconscious mind rarely wakes up and probes.

“Dear music director, when will you start composing?”

What to do now?