25 December 2014


Posted by Vinoth Subramanian | Thursday, December 25, 2014 Categories: ,

The dawn was not far from the dark on that day. It was 26th November 2012. Having no option, we whisked to Agarwal eye hospital in the morning. I couldn’t open my eye due to the severe affliction.

“Anna do something anna. My eye is staggeringly aching. I can’t tolerate it anymore.” I yelled inside the hospital. He hurried to the nurse.
“We cannot do anything without the consent of the doctor sir.” She said.
By the time my brother already completed the basic formalities of the hospital. I was waiting for them to call me with the unbearable pain. Our names become precious to us when no one calls them. Finally a nurse uttered my name. We went inside. The doctor asked me to sit I did.
“What is the problem?”
“His eye is paining sir.” My mother replied.
He asked me to come closer and put my chin on the lens I did.
“Open your eyes.” He said.
“No I won’t. Do something. It’s paining like anything. Do something.” I replied.
“Okay sir let us check. Open your eyes and look here.”
“I won’t look… I can’t look… do something… its-- its— its paining… it’s killing…” I yelled.
“Okay bring the drops and give it to him.” The doctor ordered the attender he complied.
“Vinoth, Vinoth, now open the eyes. We will put the drops and the pain will reduce.”
He poured it and the pain decreased. I opened my eyes and looked where ever he wanted me to.
“What happened sir?” My mother asked him.
“Nothing to worry ma’am. It’s just a pressure.”
“Pressure in the eye. How to explain you? Okay, something has grown larger inside and it blocks the tears and circulation.”
“Sir, will it affect his remaining vision?” my mom tensed.
“Nothing of the sort ma’am. You need not panic. I will prescribe some drops to follow. Before that, I will write you a scan, so that we check it thoroughly.” We came back to him after scanning the eyes.
“How is the pain now?”
“It again starts sir. Give me that anesthesia.” He put me the drops again.
“You can go home when the pain completely subsides. Till then keep putting these prescribed drops” the doctor said.
“These drops are for what sir?” my brother asked.
“For pressure. The pain will reduce when the pressure reduces.”
“Sir, will it affect my remaining vision? I don’t have anything on the left; and I survive only with the right eye’s vision.” I got scared and asked him once again.
“It has nothing to do with the vision Vinoth. Don’t worry. Everything will be all right.”
We came out.
“Anna, I couldn’t stand and feel like swooning.”
“What happened Vinoth?” he asked.
“I don’t know anna. The head is aching all of a sudden and feel like falling.” I leant on his shoulder while walking. May be it can be due to the effect of the over dose of that anesthesia I sullied.
“Anna I have to sit somewhere.”
“There is no place to sit Vinoth. Let us go further. Please bear.”
He sensed my condition and put my head on his shoulder. We were slowly walking to the main hall to sit.
I was reposing on my mother’s lap and she was putting the drops every fifteen minutes. It continued for three hour. She was expecting me to say ‘it is not paining’ which I could never tell.
By the time, Anish had called me. My brother attended and said I can’t come to college. He was the first person to call me after noticing my absentia in the class. The anesthesia might have lost its power. The pain appeared again. The prescribe medicine couldn’t compete the pain.
“How is it Vinoth?”
“It’s still paining ma.” I said after two and a half an hour.
She didn’t know what to do.
“Sir, we have to meet the doctor again.” She informed one of the workers.
“Vinoth can you stand? Some people are standing over here to sit.” It was none other than my mother who told me reluctantly.
“No problem ma’am. Let him take rest. Don’t wake him up. It seems that he’s in heavy pain.” One of the ladies was standing said.
I obeyed my mother’s words and stood to go somewhere.
The pain increased but this time it was too heavy. My body started shivering, I started moving here and there, and unexpectedly I started puffing and murmuring.
I was taken to another doctor who is inside the hospital immediately.
“What happened?”
My mother explained everything and added that the drops hadn’t reduced the pain.
“He has prescribed the apt drops.” He said.
“Sir, the pain hasn’t subsided yet!” my brother replied.
“Don’t strain… don’t strain…” the doctor advised me. By the time, nurse came and held my wrist to check the blood pressure which I didn’t know. I yanked my hand and she came along with it. Four people held me and said, “We are just checking your blood pressure sir. Please don’t strain.”
“It’s normal sir!” the nurse said and the doctor was perplexed.
“Sir, do something… do something for my pain…” I yelled.
“God, let this people cure my pain or kill my feelings. Do something… do something?” I murmured.
They sent me to another doctor.
“There are some blisters formed in his eye due to the effect of the pressure. Follow the medicines and the pain will reduce.” The other doctor named Ramya, checked and told us.
“Ma’am any tablet for this pain?” my brother asked.
“No need sir, these drops alone are enough.” She said.
We came out of the room. I slept some more time on the hospital bench. One of them said, “There is an injection cost 5000 which will dispatch the pain.” My mother and brother were discussing on this over the phone with my father. He had asked my suggestion. I didn’t say yes and didn’t want to say no.
“But this is a temporary injection and the side effect will be quite perilous.” The other doctor said. This time I said no and we quitted the hospital.
We went to the hotel. I couldn’t eat those Chappatis and wasted unusually. My brother left my mom and me in Perambur railway station and refuse to come with us for he had to complete some works. We got the train. My mom was putting the drops even in the train. She wanted to see me normal.
After coming home, I tried opening my eye and gaped at the light which was dim and fading. I asked my mom to switch off the light and switch it on again she did.
“Ma, is it low voltage?”
“No Vinoth! Why?”
“Ma, I think, the vision is reducing.”
She sniveled.
“Don’t worry ma. I can manage. There are many people living in the dark. You don’t worry.” I consoled and closed my eyes. From then on, I opened my eye only for the drops that too slightly. My classmates were calling me and I let my parents attend. They couldn’t answer one of the calls that is none other than Jezvin for she was a Malayali. My father gave me the mobile.
“Why didn’t you come to college man?”
“The eye is paining Jezvin.”
“Your voice is very low Vinoth. Can you be audible?”
“I am unable to talk Jezvin. The eye is heavily paining.”
She savvied what I said. She asked the reason. I told her everything in a low tone and she understood that too.
“Take care Vinoth. I will keep you in my prayers. Please don’t come to college till you get well. Don’t worry about the classes. I will help you. Take rest.”She said. Her voice too became feeble I could notice.
I hung up. My neighbours were visiting in the evening. My brother also arrived and fed me the supper. My father bought me a pain killer tablet from the pharmacy. I took and slept on my father’s shoulder at that night. Everybody becomes child when pain and pleasure cross the limit.

Since the pain didn’t subside, my parents decided to take me somewhere for the treatment. One of my neighbours suggested Cerajem. A kind of a therapy which cures everything.
“Okay stay at home Vinoth. We shall go at 11:00 in the morning.” My father said and went for some official works. It was 11 in the morning my mother asked me to call my father since he didn’t turn up. I took the mobile to call him and used my left hand to disclose my right eye since it can’t be opened as wont. It was the most unforgettable second in my life. Somehow I managed to disclose my eye. The screen of the mobile was fading. I felt sad for the reduction of the vision and happy for something was still remaining.
“Something is better than nothing. I can manage and survive.” I said to myself and finally closed my eyes. I never knew that my Lg mobile would be the last object and blue would be the last colour I would see in the world.

The branch of the therapy “Cerajem” located in Tiruvallur Gave me a relief to my body and I commuted and continued it for a week.
The pain increased in the evenings which made my father proceed to the medical shop for the pain killers.

On Wednesday, When everybody went out of the home for some purpose, my mobile rang.
“Hello.” I answered in a tone of dullness.
“Anna! How are you anna? What happened?” the voice enquired from the other end. It was none other than Kishore I sensed and told everything.
“I thought you came to hostel and couldn’t meet me. Yesterday also you were missing. I called you then but somebody picked. Then only I fathomed you didn’t come to college.”
“It’s okay Kishore.” I said and talked.
“Yeah anna,”
“Day before yesterday Sahana’s birthday and tomorrow Grashiya and Christalin’s birthday.”
“Okay,” he replied in confusion.
“I didn’t give the pen to her and I can’t give them also.”
“That usual birthday Gifts right?” he found.
“Yes Kishore, can you do me a favour?”
“Tell me anna. What can I do?”
“Can you buy and give them as their birthday gifts on behalf of me?  Can you tell them that I have given them?”
He knew none except Grashiya in my class. He met her two months in music academy for our ovation practice. However, I shouldn’t trouble him for my works and it is not the right thing for me to do. He was new to everyone and basically an introvert to the strangers especially to girls. Their birthdays were my ultimate aim since I started giving everyone in my classmates. No matter what we begin, we should end it properly if it is begun. It may be a smallest thing in the world. But, I got the smallest way to express my true love towards them in the form of a pen as birthday gifts.

Two days had passed usually and painfully. It was 30th November after noon. Someone called me I attended.
“Who is this?” I asked.
“This is Christalin Vinoth.” The reply came.
“Hi Christalin, belated wishes. Sorry I couldn’t wish you yesterday.”
“How are you Vinoth?” she asked and continued, “Thank you very much Vinoth. Kishore came and gave me the pen.”
“It’s okay Christalin.”
“Vinoth, can you tell me your address? I will come with my elder sister to see you.”
“No problem Christalin, Thanks a lot. Moreover, it is far from your place. By the way I am coming to college now.”
“Why? I just came home.”
“Tomorrow December 1st. I have to settle certain things in the hostel and inform the hostel director and head of the department in person.”
“It’s not a problem Vinoth. We can come to your house tomorrow. Tell your address no problem how far it may be.” She replied and depicted the signature of great affection.
“No thanks. Thank you very much for the concern. I will come soon to class and there we’ll meet.”
It showed that Kishore had done the unforgettable work for me.
I went to the college with my father and decided to inform our head of the English department first.
“Day kannu vada. Ennada kannu prachana?” he welcomed and asked me in his typical Tamil.
“That is the problem sir.” I replied and removed the glass. He saw my swollen eyes and said.
“How it happened! What happened?” he asked.
My father told the whole.
“You take leave till you recover and never worry about the classes, internal restrictions, attendance and others. I’ll take care of everything. Get well completely and come to the college.” We thanked and proceeded to the hostel to inform the hostel director. I went to my room and called Vivega Priyan for he was also staying in the hostel.
He appeared in ten minutes.
“How are you Vinoth? What happened?” I told the whole as usual. By the time my father was putting me drops.
“Our classmates are here Vinoth. We are preparing for our departmental festival.” He said.
“They are in front of the church.”
“When will the director come?”
“He will come at 5:00 to his office.” He said.
“I have to inform him and tell him that I could not stay in the hostel in the following month.”
“Don’t worry Vinoth. We will inform him and I will take care of the procedure.”
He took us in front of the church where some of my friends were there.
They asked me to stay at home and take rest after seeing my eyes. Soon after the general conversation, Jezvin took me alone and talked.
“Vinoth, will you mind if I give you something?”
“What Jezvin?”
She took something and stuffed in my palm.
It was a rosary.
“Will you mind taking this rosary with you though you are a Hindu?”
I put it in my pocket and said,
“I have no problem with this Jezvin. In fact, it used to be at my neck during my school days. But--”
“But what Vinoth?”
“If you give it to me then—“
“I have another one. It will do. You return it to me when your problem gets over. I will go to church to pray for you.”
“Thank you Jezvin. Bye.”
“Bye Vinoth. Take care.”
By the time I was told that the hostel director had arrived to office and I sprinted to inform.
“So you can’t go to college also right?” he asked.
“No father, I come to college as a day scholar. I stay out of the hostel because I have to undergo a treatment.”
He accepted my problem and agreed to my supplications. I met few more friends and finally proceeded to my home.

It was 1st December. The new beginning of the new suffering. I’ve finished the therapy for the day in Cerajem. One of the in charges asked me to open my eyes. Luckily I opened without using my hand. She was startled.
“Yes now you are able to open your eyes! Superb!”
I was also startled but for the different reason.
“Ma’am… but—but—I—I—don’t see anything! I—I—can’t see anything! Nothing is visible to my eye!”
“Don’t worry you have been taking drops. Some drops can perform like that. We can’t see anything for some minutes after putting the drops. Then it will be automatically recovered.”
I was convinced but not able to believe the happenings. I looked at my mother who was holding my hand and standing on my left. But she was not visible to my eye! I looked on my right, I looked up, looked behind, looked in front, looked down and I looked everywhere. But the result was the same. I came out with my mother. May be since it was inside I saw nothing I said to myself and started gazing everything. I couldn’t believe anything. The buildings disappeared! The vehicles disappeared! The walking and talking people disappeared! My mother who was holding my hand disappeared! The directions disappeared! The sky disappeared! The sun! The sun! The sun disappeared! My shadow disappeared! No! No! It is not happening to me! It is not happening to me! I said to myself and checked whether I was wearing the cooling glass. But it was in my pocket. I wagged my hand in front of my eyes. I closed and opened my eye and started doing again and again. The result was the same! I pulled my shirt to see the colour of it. I could see it. I paused… I found… this is not real this is imagination! I gazed my shirt again but this time I saw nothing of the sort. I fathomed the real colour of the world. The blue turned into black! Red turned into black! Yellow, green, rose, pink, brown, white and all colours converted themselves into black. Oh my god! Oh my god! Then what will be the colour of my life? What will be the colour of my fate? What will be the colour of my future here after?
Black… black… black…

My brother and I went to Agarwal hospital promptly. Moreover, since they also asked us to come. They checked my eyes and startled.
“Is the torch visible?”
“Now at least?”
“No sir! I had my vision but I am not able to see anything now.” I said.
“That’s what I am also wondering. The record says you had vision in the previous week.” He sent me to a doctor.
“Vinoth aren’t you see anything?” my brother asked me surprisingly.
“Yes anna.”
The news of my case scattered in the hospital. My file was shifting here and there. Doctors were wrangling with one another but no one heeded us.
“Go to the first floor sir.” A nurse said.
“Go to the third floor sir.” Another nurse said.
“Second floor sir,” “wait here,” “The doctor is yet to come,” “Go and have your lunch sir,” were the various responses we had.
We went at 9:00 in the morning and wandered till 1:30 in the hospital. Finally we are sent to Doctor Ramya.
“How it happened?” she asked.
“We also asked the same ma’am.” My brother replied vehemently.
“The eye is severely infected!” she said.
“How?” he asked.
“He could have lost his vision due to the infection.” She added “The infection was there when you came on that day.”
“Then why didn’t you tell us?”
“No it was little on that day.”
“So what? You could have told us that right? You told only about the pressure and not about this infection! If you had told—“
“No sir I prescribed medicines but I don’t know why they didn’t inform you.”
“Okay leave everything ma’am.” My brother continued, “How to get his vision back?”
“I write it to the chief doctor. Meet him and come day after tomorrow for the check up and also to get the medical certificate which you asked.”

It was around 4:00 in the evening. We were waiting for Mr. Amar Agarwal the chairman of Chennai headquartered. He came and we were called inside. He checked my eyes and said it is impossible. I told him I had some vision in my right eye and gone due to the infection. He was not ready to listen to us and not even referred to the file.
“Go and come after 6 months.” He said.
“Sir he had the vision please—“my brother asked and continued “Please see to it.”
“Leave now and come after 6 months.”
“Sir you please don’t say like this. You are the chief to this hospital and this is his life. I never saw him suffering like this. Please sir. Please… please… please…” my brother almost begged. At least he knew where to beg but I didn’t know that too.
“Leave now and come later.”
“Sir we are not asking anything please help him to get what he had. Please do help us. Please don’t avoid us. We came to your hospital with hope but we were deceived. This file is the only witness that he had something on his eye. We have no other option now and please don’t let us go with nothing.”
“Leave and come after 6 months.” He repeated. I didn’t want my brother to beseech him further and asked him to quit the place.
“What to do now?” my brother asked me.
“Let us come again to meet Dr. Ramya for the check up and medical certificate.”
“Okay wait here let me go and buy the drops prescribed by her today.” My brother said and went. He came back and we went out of the hospital.
Our breakfast held at 5:00 in the evening in the form of tea and Samosas.

After reaching our home, my parents listened to the whole story. It was around 8:00 in the night. All of them went to our neighbour’s house for a purpose. I was left alone and the pain was increasing as usual. I felt like crying but I didn’t want to cry before my parents and brother. Jezvin was calling me now and then but I couldn’t explain since she didn’t know my past. Kishore was calling me daily but I couldn’t cry to him since he was my junior. When no one is there to share your feelings and listen to your tears, cuddle the table-fan, door, pillars and weep. I did what I said. I couldn’t cry because the pain was becoming severe. I went to the Pooja room located in the corner of my house and started scolding the gods and goddesses.
“Are you happy now? My mother is crying for me. My father is confused. My brother is feeling disheartened. Are you seeing my tears? What should I cry for? Should I cry for my past? Should I cry for my current sufferings? Should I cry for my threatening future? Should I cry for my parents and brother? Should I cry for my pain? Should I cry for my loss? If I cry the pain increases! Tell me god… or should I cry for being not able to cry.” I sensed their arrival and wiped my tears.

Brita called me on 7th December, Grisha called me on 8th Shalini and Nancy had called me in the middle. I told them I will come to class on Monday that is 10th December.
“How will you continue drops if you go to college?” my mother asked me.
“But we have no other go ma. I must go. Already some professors are asking me whether I left the college or what.” Don’t be in the bed if you can and don’t be on the spot if you can’t is the usual sayings of my mind and I didn’t decry to follow it on that occasion.
Despite all the practical difficulties, I departed to my college on 10th December. From then on, my mother spent sleepless nights by putting me drops in order to compensate my college timing.
I hit the bar of the bus while I was moving inside on the first day.
My father was shocked and the other passengers sounded like lizard.
“You should not be fast here after. Try to be slow. You are not what you were before.” My father advised and left me in the class. The class room was very strange and dark to me. I was unable to be mentally present for first fifteen minutes.
Dr. Claramma was giving the lecture on Aristotle’s poetics.
“Tragedy is the rejection of the mercy of the lord.” She said which absolutely fitted me at that time.
My classmates were coming and enquiring me about my well-being. In the break time, I tried moving out of the class. Instead of going to library I went to canteen. On the next day I tried again. Instead of going to hostel I went to the opposite side that is towards exit gate. However, whenever I struggled and missed the way, I called Kishore he came and helped me. I understood that my travelled roads were cheating me, my familiar ways were forgetting me and my practiced buildings were insulting me.
He held my palm and began teaching the tips for finding the things, places, roads and buildings. I was slowly learning from him. This is what the fate is all about. Here the teacher became the student and the student became the teacher. I recollected our previous days when he newly joined the college. He was teaching me whatever I taught him before. But the tricks, techniques and methods were different now. But I never felt ashamed for learning from him because he was the soul of my survival.
Two things happened at 11 in the morning that is in the break time. The first thing was our interval bell rang. The second one was that Kishore stood in the entrance of my class to pick me up wherever I wanted to go. One day I came out and he was not there. I mustered the courage and proceeded to the hostel to fill the can by following others’ footsteps and voices. I missed the way while coming back. Dear readers your guessing is absolutely right. Yes. I called him.
“Anna where are you?”
“I don’t know I am stuck up somewhere while coming back from the hostel. But I must be in the college now.”
“Who is with you anna?”
“You will be with me if you can come.”
“Who asked you to go alone now?”
“I simply tried on my own but--”
“Okay anna, now I will cut the call and keep calling you.” He said and continued, “Do not attend the call.”
“Okay Kishore I understand.”
“Anna you are having the same ring tone isn’t it?”
“Yes Kishore.”
“And one more thing, please do not put it in silent mode.”
My mobile was ringing, he was continuously calling, all of a sudden the college bell also joined. Nonetheless, he is the hero of my story. Moreover, as a totally blind he knows where another blind person can miss his way. Finally he found me and left me in the class.

From second day on worse, my brother was regularly leaving me in the college. Returning was very challenging. Sometimes my father came and picked me up to home. Sometimes my brother, sometimes Sarath took charge. One day John Kishore the other classmate of mine helped me to go home. Another day Aravind had come till the Nungambakkam railway station. Ashwin was helping me by giving notes which ever I missed before.

On 12th December 2012, when only few people were in the class, Beatrice Brita was writing something on the board. She is capable of arousing the eyes of the readers and professors through her calligraphic scripts. She is always interested in writing something on the board during the absence of professors and also known as teacher of handwriting.
The professors were not inside the class
“Vinoth” she turned towards me and called.
“Yes Brita,” I replied and waited for her to speak more.
She stopped decorating the board and walking towards me.
“How are you Vinoth?”
It was sufficient for me to share everything to her for she was very close to me. Not only that, in my class, very few people knew about my personal life and she too knew a few. I remembered that I had told certain things to her about me. Therefore it didn’t bother me to share with her.
“I am fine Brita.” I said. It was for the formality I said I know. How to say that I am not fine when she enquires about my health? She also knew very well that I was lying hence she switched over to the next question.
“What happened Vinoth? How is the pain now?”
I decided to tell everything for I was unable to share anything to anyone for the last sixteen days
“After that house warming,” I started, “I went to hospital with the heavy ache. Initially they said that it was cause of pressure. They gave some drops.” I said and didn’t know from where to begin and continue. I was not in a position to narrate the exact story though I wanted someone to listen to me.
“I didn’t open my eyes for four days due to unbearable pain. At last I managed to open it on the fifth day. But Brita, I was shocked! Everything went dark! I closed it and opened again but I found no difference at all!” I said and felt some relief in my body and mind. I could sense that my burden has been put down for some time. I came to my real life and felt that I could frame the story properly.
“Listen to me Brita, let me tell you what happened exactly.” I said and continued. “That day I said no?” I said and waited for verbal reaction. But no reply I received from her side. I didn’t want to continue further. With a minute hesitation, I stretched my hand to touch and confirm her presence. For the second time after that incident, I remember that I was using my hand to find whether the listener was there are not. I was completely shocked for she was not there! I was unable to guess about her unexpected disappearance. Immediately I started questioning my mind.
“When she left the place? Why she left the place? She used to inform me whenever she leaves! What would have happened? What happened to her?” I was unable to think further for I already had too many questions in my mind. I even lost my puissance to shout her name and ended up in submitting myself to that serene loneliness.
She came after few minutes.
“Sorry Vinoth. I felt like swooning when you were telling about the darkness and therefore I went to drink water.”
“Sorry Brita. You go and carry on with your work.”
“No problem Vinoth. You tell I will listen.”
I started.

Few other incidents also happened in those ten days class before the Christmas holidays. My name was put up in the notice board for the lack of attendance. I was asked to meet vice-principal. My HOD called me in this regard.
“Sir I’ve already informed you.”
“I don’t know anything the matter went to the higher officials. So you go and face the consequences.” He replied.
However I managed to solve the problem. On the other day, we were asked to go to the American library as a visit of subject oriented. Simultaneously, I was plaintively visiting the Agarwal hospital in the afternoons.

Ramya was unable to solve my problem it seemed.
“Ma’am you started with four drops; now it is eleven but the pain and the infection haven’t reduced.” My brother asked.
“It slightly reduced sir.” She replied.
“Will it reduce within two weeks ma’am?” I asked.
“I cannot give unnecessary hope.” She answered. We went out of the room and saw her discussing my case with another doctor.
One nurse came and called us. We went inside and they made me sit.
“I am Doctor Pallavi. What happened?” as usual we narrated the whole.
She switched of all the lights and tried to touch my eye I prevented.
“Don’t worry I slowly touch and see your eye.” She said.
“No ma’am it’s paining if we touch.”
“Don’t worry.” She said and touched I went back with a hissing sound.
“What did they prescribe to you?” she asked.
My brother showed the slip.
“Didn’t they give any tablet for the pain?”
“No ma’am, they said drops alone will be enough.”
“When did you come here?”
“26th November ma’am. From then on, we have been coming here.” My brother answered.
“Are you bearing the pain nearly for 20 days? Atrocious!” she pouted and continued,
“Okay Vinoth. Please bear and answer to my question.” She took the torch and showed in front of my eyes. “Can you see anything?”
“No ma’am.”
Then she touched my eyes and softly pressed the corners.
“Eyes are one of the sensitive parts of the body. Even a dust will offer the intolerable afflictions. How much he would have been suffering so far!” she was telling the nurse while checking.
“Now are you able to see anything vinoth?” she asked again.
Dear readers you know what I would have said.
“He is not seeing anything!” she told the nurse and continued.
“Has anything fallen in your eyes?”
“Nothing has fallen ma’am.”
“Oh okay. But the infection has gone behind and affected the nerves also it seems.” She told.
“Ma’am, what to do now?” I asked.
“Vinoth let us solve one after the other. First of all, I will prescribe some tablets for the pain and infection. Then we will think about the sight.”
“Okay ma’am.”
“Here after, when you come, don’t go anywhere and directly come to me. I will take care of the rest.”
We bought the prescribed tablets and continued. I could sense the pain had reduced. We went after a week.
She said the infection also has reduced and enquired me about the pain. I said it is better now.
“When should we come again ma’am?” I asked.
“On 25th December.” She said.
“Ma’am 25th is Christmas.”
“No problem, you come we will be working and I will be here. Don’t ask anyone and directly come to me.” She told us and told the nurse too.
We got some hope and walked out.
“Anna, let us keep the entire problem aside. We must think of our parents’ 25th wedding anniversary.”
“Yes I remember Vinoth, on January 24th right?”
“Yes anna that is the only thing we should focus on here after.”
“We’ll have a grand celebration. I am saving money for that.”

We had Christmas celebration on 20th December in our class. Everybody was dancing and enjoying inside. All were greeting one another. We said good bye to each other with Christmas and New Year wishes.

It was 25th December. The Christmas day. The day of celebration, the day of relief, the day of love and the day of care and affection. But for me it was the day of anticipation, the day of tension and the day of realisation.
I called some of my friends to wish and Brita was one among them.
“Happy Christmas Brita.”
“Thank you Vinoth. Where are you now?”
“I am in the bus, going to the hospital.”
“Oh okay Vinoth, what did they say about the vision?”
“Today only we’ll come to know Brita. I’ll let you know if the result is positive.”
We hung up.

As usual, Agarwal hospital was inviting us. We went and pronounced the name of Doctor Pallavi. They promptly sent us.
“How are you Vinoth?”
“Fine ma’am.”
She checked my eyes and said.
“The infection has been substantially reduced Vinoth. What about the pain?”
“The pain has also reduced but not to the fullest.” I said.
“It will reduce soon and you need not buy any medicines here after. Just complete what you have currently and throw them after finishing.”
“Ma’am what about the vision?” my brother asked.
“I am very sorry to say sir. The infection was heavy and the eye had shrunk. So getting your vision back is not possible.” She said sadly and perpetuated further.
“How old are you Vinoth?”
“22 ma’am.”
“You are very young to bear this. What are you doing Vinoth?”
“He is studying in Loyola college ma’am.” My brother answered.
“That’s very good.”
“I am doing M.A. English literature in Loyola ma’am.”
“How are you going to study?”
“I am blind since my childhood and my vision never affected my studies.”
“So you know that Braille system right?”
“Yeah ma’am. Mobility is the problem now.”
“Don’t feel Vinoth. You people are great. Others are miss using their eyes. You know what happened in Delhi recently. So you are much better than them.”
“Okay ma’am. We’ll leave then.” I replied.
“Won’t he get his vision back by any chance ma’am?” my brother asked her again. Certain things can’t be digested soon and his question was the proof for that.
“I would have let you know if there is any chance sir. I also deeply regret for this. Please don’t lose hope and don’t give up. Keep motivating him and always be at his side. He will surely over come all the hurdles.” She said.
My brother didn’t say anything. She shook my hand, patted on my shoulder and said.
“Don’t lose your confidence Vinoth. Be positive and don’t give up. I always pray for your bright future.”
“Okay ma’am thank you very much.” I said and came out of the hospital with my brother.
“Finally everybody betrayed us Vinoth.” He unhappily said. I kept quiet and didn’t reply.
“Why do they proclaim as specialists when they are not able to rectify the problems in their specialized area?”
I said nothing.
“Will they accept me as an AC. technician if I can’t mend an air condition?”
“Air condition is different from a human physique anna. It is a machine and not you and I.” I replied.
Knowledge comes from success but the wisdom certainly comes from failure and his words were reflecting that I felt. It was the day of our failure. The mind could understand but couldn’t accept.
We reached our home and narrated the tragic story again to my parents.
“He can’t get his vision back they said daddy.” My brother said. My mobile started ringing. The night had slowly started swallowing the powerful sun. Jezvin called and enquired.
“How are you Vinoth?”
“I am okay Jezvin.”
“Why are you dull? I always pray for you. God will always bless you.”
“His curses are my blessings.” I said and smiled.
“Don’t say like that. Did you go to the hospital? Did they tell anything about the vision?”
“Yes I went and they said it is gone and over.”
“What to do now?” she asked.
“I don’t know. I will bring the rosary while coming to college.” I said.
“It’s okay Vinoth. You give later. I have no problem.”
“Okay Jezvin thank you very much.”
“For what?”
“I don’t know simply said.”
“Good night Jezvin and Happy Christmas.”
“Good night Vinoth, bye and take care.”
We hung up.

Soon, I received another call. It was Kishore as usual.
“Hi anna, how are you? Did you go to the hospital and what did they say anna?”
“I can’t get what I had they said.”
“Oh god.”
“I don’t know how I am going to manage in the hostel.”
“Anna I am still alive.” He replied and we hung up.

I took the rosary from the shelf, moved to the bed and toppled. While holding the cross of the rosary, I started conversing with Jesus. It can’t be denoted as prayer but a conversation. I felt like speaking to him instead praying.
“Today the world celebrates your birthday in the name of Christmas. I know you will be replete with excessive glee. At the same time, dear Jesus, if possible, can you hear the voice of my heart? You know what is happening to me for the last 25 days. I don’t say it happens only to me. But why should it happen to me? I am unable to sleep Jesus. The pain torments me. Even if I sleep, the dream comes. It carries my past and lost vision when it comes. It makes me believe that I have vision. But when I am astir in the morning, when I disclose my eye, everything is dark.
Jesus, do you know how many days I have been cheated like this? I know it is going to continue in my future also. I don’t want to get up in the morning. Do you know why? It’s because of the invalid happiness I seek. I feel happy for my vision which I find in my dreams and that is why I intentionally sleep in the morning also. But you know what happens? Neither the dream comes, nor the vision comes nor I sleep and left like an orphan in the bed.
Whom can I share this Jesus? Who can understand this if I say? No man can savvy a blind man unless he closes his eyes and walks for ten metres. Today is Christmas. Yours day. And that’s why I negotiate with you. Moreover, I trust you and love you very much. Of course! I may be a Hindu. Religion is nothing but a frustraneous identity of a human kind.
You tell me Jesus; didn’t I read and follow your words? Didn’t I feel happy for your birth? Didn’t I feel pity for your crucifixion? Didn’t I celebrate your resurrection? Didn’t I pray to you when everybody prayed? Or didn’t I thank you for whatever you gave me in my life. Then why do you harm me Jesus? I know I should not disrespect you like this. But if you have the right to hurt me, don’t I have the right to scold you?
Answer to this question at least. You know the pain of sufferings… you know the pain of bearing the burden… you know what pain is… Above all, you know the pain of betrayal. Then—then—then—why did you betray me Jesus? And why did you abandon me?
Okay Jesus, you betrayed it is accepted. Have you thought of Jezvin who gave me this rosary and said ‘god will always be with you’? Have you thought of Beatrice Brita who is still praying for me without knowing the final result? Now also, I am not feeling for being a blind. But how long can I depend on others for my needs?
But one thing is very sure Jesus; I am becoming weaker… I am losing my puissance… I am losing my hope… I am losing my  courage… I am losing my confidence… in fact, I am afraid of my life and the future.
My father has bought me the medicines suggested by that Kavanagar. It is a 120 days package and I am going to begin from 1st January 2013 and it will end on 30th April 2013. On 30th April, I swear now Jesus, either my vision should come back, or I should adapt this ever depending life. If neither of things happens, I am sorry to say Jesus, on 1st May 2013, I swear I will unleash my soul from my body.
I surrender my life and the soul at your hands now. The rest is yours. It’s all over Jesus; it’s all over.
While I was travelling in the path of negativity, my father was giving a positive lecture to my mother in the hall.
“Why are you very dull now?”
“He lost everything now.” My mother replied.
“Why do you say like that? He didn’t lose anything, he had something and that is not with him now.”
“What to do now? How will he manage?”
“Of course! It’s a serious problem but this is not the end. He is my son! He has enormous courage, he has self confidence and he has the strength to face the problems. Moreover, we are with him. Let me be with him always and let me guide where ever he wants to go.”
“But he’s severely suffering and struggling now.” My mother replied sadly.
“Mayhap, this is today. Tomorrow will be good to him. Moreover, this is not new to us. Didn’t he suffer before? Didn’t he struggle before? Didn’t he bear them? Didn’t he tackle them? Or didn’t he come up to this level. I met the astrologist and showed his horoscope.”
“What did the astrologist said?” my mother asked curiously.
“His horoscope is very strong he said.” My father retorted.
“You keep watching, he will rise again with great stamina… he will defeat all the conundrums… he will definitely achieve.”
His words became a vibration. My brain was occupied with both positive and negative vibrations and it seemed like they were attacking each other inside. By holding the cross of the rosary and reposing in the bed, I was closely observing that serious battle.

“I am becoming weaker,” “He will rise again with great stamina,” “I am losing my puissance,” “He has the strength,” “I am losing my hope,” “He didn’t lose anything,” “I am losing my  courage,” “He has enormous courage,” “I am losing my confidence” “He has self confidence,” “It’s all over,” “This is not the end,” “I am afraid of my life and the future,” “He will defeat all the conundrums,” “He will definitely achieve.”
I became fatigued, my eyes were voluntarily closing themselves, my mind couldn’t think further, my fingers left the cross on the bed but my lips alone were softly murmuring something.
“Happy birthday Jesus… Happy birthday… Happy.”



  1. I could sense the same pain when I heard it for the first time Anna. All three parts are well narrated and your philosophies in between which I always look for are very suitable to the conditions. Can I tell something here Anna? I am always admired by your profound dialogues like the dialogues of Ragini Kanth, the Tamil Superstar.

  2. That auspicious rosary created positive vibration in midst of your tormented venture. GOD was walking with you in your sorrows. Like an eagle God renewed and resurrected your spirit. You emerged from the ashes as a phoenix. I'm sure if you put your trust upon Jesus he will never let you down.


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